Drug and alcohol addiction can strain relationships with loved ones. Watching someone you care about spiral deeper into addiction is challenging. If you’re a family member or friend of someone with addiction, you might feel compelled to take care of them and solve their problems on your own. You might even find yourself taking responsibility for their actions, even when they haven’t asked for your help. If this situation sounds familiar, learning about codependency and its effects on you and your loved one struggling with addiction is essential.
What Is Codependency?
The term “codependent” describes a person who has developed unhealthy behaviors within a relationship. Codependency is sometimes called a “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often engage in one-sided, emotionally destructive, or abusive relationships. These behaviors are learned and can be passed down through generations. It’s common for close friends and family members of individuals suffering from addiction, such as spouses, partners, parents, friends, and children, to develop codependent behavior patterns. Over time, they adopt these unhealthy behaviors to shield their loved ones from the consequences of addiction. Unfortunately, such rescue efforts usually only prolong the destructive path of addiction.
When caregiving becomes compulsive, the codependent person feels trapped and powerless in the relationship but struggles to break free from the cycle of behavior that perpetuates it. Mental Health America explains that codependent individuals often exhibit the following traits:
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for others’ actions.
- Confusing pity with love, believing that rescuing someone equates to showing love.
- A need for approval and recognition for their efforts.
- A tendency to go above and beyond for the person with addiction.
- Difficulty establishing boundaries and making decisions.
- Poor communication skills and an inability to identify their feelings.
- A propensity for lying and experiencing chronic anger.
- Challenges adapting to change.
- A strong need to control and dominate others.
The Connection Between Codependency and Addiction
Codependent individuals are often drawn to people with substance abuse issues due to low self-esteem and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. As previously mentioned, it is common for loved ones of those with addiction to develop codependent behavior. The compulsion to protect their loved one takes precedence over their well-being. Protective actions become habits, habits become compulsions, and the person with addiction expects protection from the consequences of their actions. This is why addiction is seen as a family disease.
For codependent individuals, it’s not just about being a caretaker; it’s about an inability to function independently because they depend on another person for validation and self-worth. In extreme cases, codependent relationships can involve one person trying to control or manipulate another for personal gain. Codependency may manifest as:
- A parent makes excuses for a child who neglects homework or arrives late for school.
- Giving money to a friend despite knowing they won’t repay it.
- Covering for a spouse drinking excessively or staying out all night.
- An adult child assists an elderly parent with addiction in handling personal matters like bills and medical appointments, even when they can do so themselves.
Often, codependency and enabling go hand in hand, with codependents accepting and covering up the addict’s behavior while avoiding confrontation or allowing them to experience the consequences of their actions.
Addressing Codependent Behaviors
To prevent codependency, it’s crucial to establish healthy boundaries early in any relationship. Setting boundaries is a healthy way to define what is acceptable and not within the relationship. Here’s how to set boundaries:
- Identify your responsibilities within the relationship. Recognize that you are only responsible for your actions, not those of your loved one.
- Be honest about your limitations and capabilities when helping others. If you constantly prioritize their needs over your own, consider how to care for yourself first.
- Communicate your boundaries clearly to your loved ones and stick to them. If you say no, maintain your decision, even if others object or pressure you to change your mind.
- Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior in your relationship with the person struggling with addiction. For example, “I will not tolerate my friend coming over drunk and making a mess.”
- Learn to say no firmly but kindly when someone tries to push your boundaries.
- Don’t feel guilty about limiting your interactions with your loved one. They need to learn to respect your needs. If they continue to use substances around you despite your request, you may need to distance yourself from them.
How to Support Your Loved One
Even if you recognize codependent tendencies, it can be challenging to distance yourself from the situation. However, codependency enables addiction to persist, even when the person desperately needs help. Not everyone with a loved one struggling with addiction will develop codependent behaviors. Still, it’s essential to be aware of these tendencies so you can take steps to change your behavior. While it’s natural to want to help in any way possible, there are better ways to support your loved one than assuming the caretaker role.
If you or someone you love is dealing with addiction, you might feel like addiction dominates your life and that you’re helpless. However, there are ways to help your loved one change their behavior, and these solutions can help you navigate this challenging period:
- Remember that you’re not responsible for your loved one’s addiction; they are accountable for their actions, so don’t carry that burden yourself.
- Consider attending counseling sessions together or encourage them to seek addiction treatment.
- Connect with other families who have faced similar situations for support and guidance.
- Avoid enabling their behavior by withdrawing financial or other support and allowing them to face the consequences of their actions.
Codependent relationships often revolve around one person “saving” another. It may seem like you’re protecting your loved one from their addiction, but you’re enabling their destructive behavior. If your loved one doesn’t experience the consequences of their actions, they’ll have little motivation to change. Achieving sobriety is a decision only they can make. Instead of attempting to fix or rescue others, take the time to reflect on yourself and your relationships.